Day of Crying!

I had to turn in my Caretaker's Report to the court today. I cried all the way to the courthouse. I'm just so frightened that Little Guy will go back to his parents! I fell like WE are his parents, not them! I know, I know, I'm being selfish, but I can't help it! And of course, by the time my husband got home from work, he could tell I was upset, so that started a whole new cry session! Plus I've been feeling lately that I'm not a REAL parent, just a foster parent, which makes me even more emotional. Yikes - you would think it's that time of the month, but it's not forgoodness sake. I'm just an emotional basket case today! Please pray for strength and peace for me - I really, really need it!

On a somewhat good note, I went to a baby shower tonight for one of the gals in my church. She's just a couple years younger than me (I'll be 35 on April 25) and she's pregnant with her first child. She's had a hard time getting pregnant, too. I took Little Guy with me, and of course all the ladies just oohed and ahhed over him. And then a couple of the gals from church said, "how come there hasn't been a baby shower for you?" I just shrugged and said, "well, I'm not going to TELL someone they HAVE to have a shower for me." But one of the gals said, "well, if you can't, I certainly can!". So maybe they will have one for me. I think that's one of the reasons I haven't felt like a REAL mom - it seems that gals are having baby showers left and right at church, and here I've had Little Guy for over two months, and no one has said a thing to me about having one. I know, it's my slefish side kicking in again (that side is so loud lately!). But like I told my husband, when people ignore the fact that I am a mom, just a different kind of mom, it validates my feelings that I'll never be a REAL mom. Am I making sense? Am I being overly emotion about all of this? I don't know. But it's good to cry it out!

Caretaker's Report to the Court

I stayed up late tonight getting my caretaker's report done for the review hearing on Monday. They sent the form as a hard copy, but not electronically, so I had to re-do everything on my computer, since they ask for it to be typed (who still has a typewriter?). Anyway, it's done. I managed to keep all opinions out of it, and only state the facts. I'm not sure how other states do it, but for me, in WA state, these were the topics I had to address:
Child's Physical Health (state results of medical/dental appointments)
Child's Emotional Health (appointment with counselor/therapist)
Child's Adjustment Today
Child's Visit with Parent(s)
Child's Adjustment with Peers
Child's Adjustment to Home
Special Problems
Special Hobbies/Interests, strengths
Thoughts on Department's Case Plan
They also say you are welcome to attach a current photo of the child, which is a great idea in my opinion. So often, these children are just numbers to all the attorneys, judges, commissioners, social workers, etc. So I made sure two very recent photos of Little Guy were printed on the bottom of my report. Now to just get it turned in at the courthouse. That's on the agenda for tomorrow.

3 months old today!

Little Guy is officially 3 months old today! However, due to his preemie status, he is 1 month old. But he’s getting so big! He’s up past 10 pounds, I’m sure, although he hasn’t been officially weighed since his doctor visit on the 14th. And he’s smiling more. I tried to get his 3-month pictures taken today, but when I arrived at Walmart, it was 10 minutes before they closed the photo studio for lunch, and I didn’t feel like wandering around Walmart for an hour. Little Guy fell asleep 15 minutes later anyway, so I guess it was best not to try and do pictures. I made an appointment for Friday, though, so we’ll try to get them done then.

Parents made it to the visit today. First thing mom said was that she had called on Monday to cancel the visit due to illness, but apparently the message never got to me. I’m not sure whether to believe her or not. I’m still not certain about her. I honestly tried to be pleasant, but I was so put off, it was hard. I’ve got to keep trying to put my feelings aside. Not an easy thing to do!

Our friends from church said they finally got their foster care license! Yay! I’ve been trying to give them all the ins and outs that I’ve learned since we started that isn’t taught in the classes. Hopefully we’ll be able to be a good support for one another.

Missed visit - GAL woes

I took Little Guy down to the DSHS offices for his normal Monday visit today, and parents never showed. Quite annoying. Ended up taking Little Guy to the office with me for a two-hour meeting. Luckily my boss is really understanding about everything, and he was fine with it. It’s not like I work a lot anyway – I just work extremely part time from home, but he needed to discuss a big project, so I went in to the office. Little Guy did well – ended up falling asleep halfway through the meeting, so that was good.

I got a call from the GAL later in the afternoon, asking how Little Guy was. I told her about the missed visit that morning. She was surprised. Apparently she had spoken to mom in the morning – mom had called her to ask her opinion about going to the visit, since she was still sick. The two decided it was probably best that she not go, but the GAL was surprised that she hadn’t called to cancel. She said she would have called me if she had known. I told her it was mom’s responsibility, not hers. Sometimes, I really think that the GAL is completely on mom’s side, without considering the best situation for Little Guy. It really frustrates me. I thought she was supposed to be fairly neutral, but it doesn’t feel like she is.

Cancelled Visit - good day of rest!

Today was supposed to be a visit day, but I got a call an hour before the visit stating that the mom had cancelled the visit – no reason given to me, but the assumption is she is sick. At least, that’s the benefit of the doubt that my husband is giving her. My selfish voice tells me that maybe she’s finally getting tried of the work and is giving up. It’s hard not to be selfish about wanting to keep Little Guy. We already love him so much! I’m so fearful that he will eventually go back to mom and dad. It truly turns my stomach, but I’m trying to trust that God’s will is being done!

We ended up staying in our jammies all day. Little Guy got back to his normal schedule of sleeping, and it’s been a really good couple of days. I think he’s finally through with the effects of his shots. Hallelujah!

Sleep - please sleep!

OK – today was a day from HELL! Little Guy barely slept last night, and then was awake at 7 am this morning. He had a visit today, and didn’t sleep at all during the visit (it’s from 10 – 12). I brought him home, and he was fussy, and still didn’t fall asleep until 1:20. And then he was back up at 2:00! He fell asleep again around 2:30, and I was exhausted, but I wasn’t sure how long he’d sleep, so I kept myself busy cleaning the kitchen until my hubby could get home. He got home around 3:15, and I lost it. I was so extremely tired I just cried like a baby! He sent me straight to bed! I ended up sleeping until 7 pm! I really needed that! Thank God for a great husbnad! He’s a definite keeper – and such a good daddy!

The Parents Visit

Ok, so I'm back from picking up Little Guy after visiting his parents at the DCFS offices. I had vowed that I no longer would randomly supply info regarding Little Guy to the parents - I wanted to see if they would ask about him. In all the previous visits (and there had been 8 up to today) they had not outright asked anything about him. They just waited for me to talk incessantly about him when I handed him over for the visit. So, now that the hearing has been postponed, and I'm allowed to make a written report to the court, I wanted to report on how much interest the parents seem to take in Little Guy's daily activities. Today, the first question his mom asked was "How is the reflux doing?" And I'm thinking - OK, she's asked a very good question, I'll give her due credit for that. I answered her question - reflux still there, but not as bad, medicine is working. Ok, we sit quiet for about 30 seconds. Then dad asks "How long has he been sleeping?" And now I'm thinking, well, I guess it is good for me to just sit quietly and wait - the parents do know how to ask questions. Which, in my selfish vein, I say "Darn it, you're not supposed to show interest! You know I want to keep this Little Guy!". But I have to push the selfish vein away, and say a silent cheer for parents, that they at least show some interest in how he is doing. So we'll play it this way for the next several visits, and see if they ask more questions. I know if it were me, and someone had my baby even for an hour, I'd want to know everything. When did he last poop? Pee? Spit up? Sleep? Wake-up? Make a noise? Everything!!!

OK, I'm done. Whew! Got that off my chest! Little Guy is asleep, so I think I'll go take a nap myself.

1st review hearing postponed

We were schedule to have a review hearing on Friday, Feb. 24 at 9:30. We got a call late afternoon Thursday that the hearing had been postponed, due to the parents and/or therapists not getting everything done they were supposed to. And then Friday afternoon I got a letter from the social worker that indicated the next hearing is April 3 at 10:30. YIKES! It's good news and bad news - good that we get to keep Little Guy longer, and love on him and cuddle him and pray over him - but bad that we won't know until April what the next steps will be. We just would like to know whether he is going to go home to parents or stay with us. Oh well, I guess this is the roller coaster journey that they warned us about. It has officially started!

More news - since Little Guy has now been in Foster Care for over a month, and will continue that way for a while, he gets a new social worker. He goes from a short-term worker to a long-term worker. I don't know if that's good or bad - so far his short-term worker has been wonderful. We meet the new SW on Tuesday afternoon - just us, the old SW and the new SW - no bio parents - so we can discuss Little Guy's case and find out what might be in store for us.

We also have our first Foster Parent Evening Support Group meeting on Tuesday night. I've been attending the once a month day time meetings, but my husband has really been wanting to attend one and can't because of work. So they have finally put together an evening one. It will be nice for him to be a part of it. Although I am the stay at home Foster Mom, he is really involved in Little Guy's care - he takes over feedings and such in the alte afternoon when he gets home (around 3:30) so that I can rest or do my things for a while. He and Little Guy love to hang out and cuddle in the Lazy Boy!

Gotta run for now - Little Guy is at a parent visit, and I need to leave now to go pick him up.

"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies and persecutors." Psalm 31:14-15

Diaper Rash, Hair dryers & Bag Balm!

I am so thankful that I found a solution to Little Guy's bad diaper rash! He had been doing great - no rashes at all since he was placed with us. And then a diagnoses of Reflux, and the start of a new medicine (Zantac). This started Monday afternoon. All through Monday night/Tuesday morning , the poor guy had diarhea, which of course caused a diaper rash. Very red and angry. I had tried the old zinc cream and barrier cream, but that wasn't doing the trick. So I tried a method another adoptive mom told me about - a hair dryer! I cleaned his bottom, then used the hair dryer on low to gently dry his bottom, and once dry, applied my mom's favorite fix-all, Bag Balm. And before you knew it, the angry red was quickly disappearing. Now, some of you moms are probably shaking your heads saying "duh!" but this was new to me! And the Little Guy seems to absolutely love the hair dryer - he just lays there with a happy spaced out look on his face when I start to dry his body with the hair dryer. So I now have a new favorite remedy!

He's finally down to sleep, so I'm watching the Olympics - Ladies Figure Skating Long Program. How I managed to not find out who won today I don't know, but I'm getting ready to watch the final group of skaters. I'll hunker down on the couch with my big quilt, and see if I can stay awake! The next bottle should be around midnight, so we'll see if I get any sleep before that!

"You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy." Psalm30:11

My first post

Good early Thursday morning - it is 12:49 am (yes, right after midnight!) and I'm still awake. Why, I don't know. Our little guy just had a bottle at 11 pm, so I should be in bed now getting what sleep I can before the next bottle. Yet here I am, sitting at the computer. It draws me in and grabs a hold and won't let go, I swear! I started by doing some Google searches for things like diaper rash and hair dryers, reflux, and Fetal Alcohol Exposure. Then I started looking for Foster Mom blogs, to see if there was anyone out there I could relate to. And I found Tamara's blog http://pre-midlifecrisis.blogspot.com/ Finally, someone I can really relate to! Which made me think - I should have a blog of my own - so now I do!

But for now, I'm headed to bed. I'll start my story tomorrow. Maybe someone will be interested in reading it. We'll see. If nothing else, it will be my journal, to record my journey, and see how it all ends up.